I only kidnapped one of them. chill
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
you told grandpa to call you daddy
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
