Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
