she looked like the bat from fern gully.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
