I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
