Yo dont text me then not text me
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Randomize
