am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
