you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
