You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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