Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
