Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
