why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
my being single is dangerous.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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