Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
