you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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