my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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