The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
