so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
