If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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