Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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