I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
