NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
