I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
