I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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