I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
