Please, let me fuck your mom
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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