I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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