well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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