my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
