I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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