The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
