I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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