I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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