my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize