I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
