Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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