I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
