***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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