Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
