So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
