He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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