What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
