I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
