my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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