Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
