That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
