I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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