my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
my being single is dangerous.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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