I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
