A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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