I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
