The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
