Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
