Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
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