I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
