Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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